Unicorn Meat: Healthy or Health Risk?

Posted On Apr 1, 2015 By Bowflex Insider Team

Unicorn Meat: Healthy or Health Risk?

By guest author, Dee Nile.

It’s April, which means summer is just around the corner, and with it - barbequing. I don’t know about you, but my favorite part of summer is the sweet smell of the barbeque. Unfortunately, barbequed meals aren’t always the healthiest of choices though.

But what if your barbequed meat of choice is unicorn? Is the delicious rainbow meat of the majestic unicorn any better for us than conventional barbequed favorites? Due to the scarcity of unicorn meat, it is a difficult question to answer, but taking a look at the facts we know can help us decide if substituting our cow, pig, or chicken with unicorn is really the way to go.

Caloric intake

It might surprise you, given their power to render poisoned water drinkable and their ability to heal sickness, but unicorn meat contains substantially less calories per serving size than almost all meat on the market. This is due to the unicorn’s fat content, which is literally zero. That’s right, there is no fat on a unicorn. Amazing? Well, they are amazing creatures! So, in terms of caloric intake, the unicorn may be the healthiest meat you could eat.

A unicorn in its natural environment. (totally not an illustration)

A unicorn in its natural environment. (totally not an illustration)

Processed vs. organic

There is a large influx of scientific nutritional studies that are showing that organically grown food is healthier to eat than food that is highly processed. This is where the unicorn shines. (Well, they also shine when standing in direct sunlight, but this is where they “shine” in terms of consumption.) Since there are no unicorn farms in the world, all unicorns come from the wild. In fact, since they drink from only the purist streams and eat grass that is meticulously tended to by meadow fairies, they are completely absent of any chemical byproducts that even the most organically raised animals might still pick up from their surrounding human environments. This is one organic animal!

Side effects

As healthy as unicorn meat seems to be at this point, there have also been some documented health concerns raised about the consumption of unicorn meat. In one documented study, it was found that eating a unicorn could subject a person to a cursed life. Granted this is just one study, and the sample size for the data is very small, but is taking a chance that this study’s results are false just so you can eat unicorn meat worth the price of a potentially cursed life? Well, I guess that depends on how you feel about living a cursed life. Some people are just into that kind of stuff. Me? I prefer my life “curse-free”!

Did we really learn anything here?

The short answer? Yes. But did we learn anything of value? Well, I’ll leave that up to you to decide. To some, unicorn is the way to go for healthy barbequing, while to others, the magical and mostly unstudied traits of the unicorn are not worth the risk.